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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
2:25 pm - So this is as bad as it gets

Check this site out:

http://onlinepersonalswatch.typepad.com/news/2005/11/dating_scams_pr.html


it certainly doesn't give me much hope to talking to anyone or for that matter, hope in the human race.

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
8:45 pm - just a thought
So i had a thought earlier, i know its hard to believe, but bare with me.  As i sat on the shiter, (hey your reading this) and saw a catalog for Crate and Barrel company.   On the front is a picture of a Food TV Chef, the really attractive one who i'm most positive they do not keep her around for her 1337 culinary skillz.  Either way it stated at the bottom her name with the subtext of "Celebrity Cook and Author"

I'm sorry but i cannot get behind the idea that telling a person how you cooked something, which by the way, becomes a talent and all forms of precise measurement are thrown out the window, constitutes you as an "Author"  Hell, i'm pretty sure that i could go into my Mom's index cards of recipes, scan them into my computer, put 1 or 2 to a page and send it off to an editor.  Once done i'll probably be hailed as a visionary and revolutionary at my new way of producing cooking recipes.  All the while the truth of the matter is that i scanned each one by one, i'm almost positive i could rig a scanner so i wouldn't even have to do that much. and while that was being done i would masturbate myself into a coma and once i awoke the project would be done.  The only thing that give this woman credit as an Author is the 4 to 5 pages at the begining of the book, and if thats the case we all should have been pulitzer prize winners by the time we got into highschool.

it was just a thought, i'm glad i was sitting down when i had it

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Saturday, March 15th, 2008
11:13 pm - This is the kinda time i have on my hands
As some know, or do not know, i have been in Florida for work for the past month and as a result, am BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. As a result i've decided to enter the 10th level of hell that is livejournal.  i say 10th b/c if Dante were still around he would probably agree with me.   Though entertaining, my weekend trips to the beach to gawk at the barely dressed beach babe has run its course and i am in need of other forms of entertainment.  ENTER THE ONLINE PERSONALS SITES

What a fucking mess those places are, at first they were my futile attempt at actually getting a date, not a bad assumption considering i met one of my previous GF on one.   With that in mind, and considering the fact that i do not have the mental capability, ego, or self esteem to just waltz up to an unsuspecting woman and just strike up conversation(there are many reasons behind that, maybe i'll tell them to you when your older)  So, ive been going back and forth with this whole idea for the past year or so, i would go on, look at some women, get pissed off that i was there or came to the complete conclusion that no one there would possibly be interested in me, and then i would leave. This action would happen about once a week.  So now i'm in jeriatric land, home of the Qtips, and i've got no one around, i figured i might as well try to strike up a conversation with someone maybe go on a date, and if the girls desperate enough, i might even get laid.(though the extent of how desperate she needs to be is still in question)  So there i am signing up on personals site after personals site thinking, the more exposure(gigidy) i have, the more likely i'll get a response.  The final tally is 8 personals websites, and growing, the 8th in the list is actually a Sex personals site, completely against my normal line of reason but i'm bored and i figured, WHY THE FUCK NOT.(and Ironically, i'm getting the most responses from that than any other site) 

NOW, I've come to look at these personals site as my own personal sociological/psychological experiment.  Sociological in that i'm going to see the results of my efforts based upon pretty simple criteria, psychological in that i'm going to see how long i can do this before going FUCK NUT CRAZY.  (cant say i'm far b/c 2 of these sites i'm actually paying a fee to actually email people, my only redeeming quality is that i refuse to have it set to rebill automatically, i'll just have a month of psycosis and then i'm done)

So here is my profile:

I'm currently moving back and forth between Florida(Ft Lauderdale/Coral Springs Area) and New Jersey. Haven't quite figured out if I'm going to be moving to FL or not

I'm a little bit of a dork, into science and stuff like that, watch Discovery and History channel a lot. I'm not big on labeling myself so I don't have one specific religion; I take ideas from Asatru(Norse Pagan), Buddhism, Zen, and any idea that makes sense to me. I put work high on my priority list but not so high as to not be able to relax, help friends and prevent my going insane from work. Right now, it's just my dog (a pug) and i at my parents house, whom aren't home that often.

I am looking for someone patient enough to look past what i may do on impulse and take the effort to look at who i really am, someone able to laugh with me. She should be prepared to deal with my lack of self esteem and self deprecating remarks, show me a good time and they are both gone.

end of profile

this is pretty much cut and paste from one site to another.  and this is exactly how i want it to say. this is my no bullshit, cards on the table, profile, if you look on these sites, most women will state that they want an honest man, well there it is, and apparently, THEY ARE FUCKING LYING.  Either way, my criteria on contacting other individuals is quite simple, most sites allow for a wink/flirt/icebreak what ever you want to call it, just something to get the ball rolling in the conversation.  If the site does not have such a thing, i result to an email, if possible, with a simple "Hi, how are you?".  simple, to the point, and even showing concern to the other party involved.

Now, i could bring statistics into the mix, gods know i have enough data on this to make a fucking MS powerpoint presentation with graphs and everything with it.  But i have respect for you guys and, lets be honest, we dont need to make me look more pitiful than i already am looking at this moment.  Anywho, lets just average out the results to 100 to 1, meaning, for every 100 women i try to contact, i will get 1 response, thats actually ligitemate.  in the same span, 100 winks/flirts/icebreakers,  i have also had 2 responses that have turned out to be more advertisements for an adult site, and another personals website.  This leads me to believe, theres just s bunch of fucktards on some webmasters payrole who get commission on referring someone to one particular site, so what they do is go to other sites, get people to respond to their profiles and then say "hey send me your email, we can chat there"  the result of which is an email linking to another personals website, or adult site, and a shit load of spam (thank the gods Yahoo mail has a decent spam filter)

so that is my experiment, my results are this, using personals websites is the classic diamond in the rough scenario, but the rough here is not sand, but SHIT.  You just got to swim through a lot of shit to get to that diamond.  I'll let you know if i find one.

as for me, i'm tired of this shit, tired of these sites, tired of this world and just plain tired, so i'm off to bed.

chances are i'll just be doing the same thing tomorrow, please, just pity me,

good night

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Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
11:06 pm - Please take heed of the warning
**************************************************
**************************************************
PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING

I am leaving the comment feature on, but i'm asking
you to not comment on what you are about to read
as i'm sure that you will certainly change the view
you have of me, and thats something i would prefer
not to be voiced to me. I am also making this entry
public, i don't feel i have to fear anything that
follows or the reprocutions it would raise.

This will show me those who truely respect and care
will respect my wishes.


Thank you
Stephen

**************************************************
**************************************************


Those who are close to me know the details of the past few weeks. What sparks this entry was a comment made in a recent email. That after the event i went into a dark place that i used to occupy.  I dont occupy it, as you would a house, it does not come and go, its always there.  It is something i have to put effort into controling each and every day.  Always there, held back by my own will. It is true it is at more of a distance while im in a relationship, but it sits waiting, festering.  Once, out of a relationship, which never has ended well in my life, it springs to life, and sinks its teeth.  This last time however, i decided to face my enemy head on. Writing journal entries i opened up the deepest chasms of that darkness.  It is a part of me, theres nothing i can do about it, except to accept it and learn to work with it.  As a result my journal started to fill with the terrors i saw each day in my own mind. What follows is one of those passages. Often have i question why i have these thoughts.  Reminance of a previous life, one of violence and mercilessness, maybe I'm so empathic that i pick up on these emotions from others. regardless, its is a part of me. Today i felt compelled by some reasoning that i should now share, even a portion of those thoughts, perhaps it will give you a better understanding of me and the struggle i endure every day. What follows is a narrative, a story that developed in my mind.  Scared me how real it felt when it went through my mind. I applogize to all since i cannot expect you to look upon me the same way any longer.  Just remember, theres more where this came from.



The Appointment:

He's chained at his hands, standing up in what looks to be an old, dank, disgusting dungeon.  Rat infested, dark with the smell of mildew, lubrication, sweat and semen.  She walks in, draped in shadow.  He cannot see her face, not that it matters.  She's here to deal out his night, a night of pain, not the pleasurable kind, just raw pain.  She says that he's been an naughty boy, he doesn't care, this is just part of the deal.  She's trying to be erotic.

"Shut up and get on with it," he says.

She's disheartened, but gets over it, then brings out the whip. "Finally" he thinks.  She cracks the whip to intimidate, the man makes no move. She says things to make the evening more pleasurable. He doesn't hear it, all he knows is the pain.  But its not enough, she doesn't know what she's doing.

"What are you afraid of," he begins, "Are you scared to cause real pain, to draw blood, to make someone scream in agony rather than pleasure? LOOK AT ME, look at these scars.  I have been here before"

Her expression turns sour, he takes pleasure that he hit a sore spot.  Apparently this one came from a bad home, and now only wants to dominate. Another crack of the whip, and the man feels that all too familiar trickle of blood run down his chest.  Now we're getting somewhere, he thought, smiling. Another crack, this one over his shoulder.  Another crack to his side. At no point has he moved, flinched, even winced.  She moves behind him, and begins to work on his back. One crack manages to hit his head, but still he makes no move.  This begins to frustrate her, she begins to crack harder, faster, everywhere on his body, his head, neck, arms, legs, groin, back, chest, legs, arms, groin, CRACK, CRACK, another and another, again and again, over and over.  She is not satisfied, she must break him, she must conquer him. SHE MUST.  Finally, his head sags, she moves in and smiles.

"Are we done already?" she says, satisfied of what she's accomplished.  They said he couldn't be conquered, that he was dangerous. She laughed, they're just hazing the new girl, she thought.  She looks down at him and smiles, even giggles a little.

In an instant his head lifts and he lunges toward her. She is startled, and almost falls backward. She looks upon her "Client" but does not see a man.  Teeth are bared, eyes wild and ferral, body bloodstained.  He is snarling, and looking at her with a look, only animals can give. She is afraid, but thanks any deity listening that he is chained up.

CRACK

What was that sound, the chains, they are comming loose, he is ripping them out of the walls. She begins to run toward the door when she hears the chains finally give and slack onto the concrete floor.  If she can just get to the door.  She has never felt this fear before in her life. She hears the chains across the floor as he runs toward her. Suddenly, the sound stops and she dares a glance behind her. He's not there but she keeps running. she turns back and runs right into him.

His hands are around her neck,as he lifts her off the floor, she can't breath. She saw his eyes, he wants to kill her, she tries to scream but no sound comes out. She is going to die, she doesnt want to die, she'll do anything not to die. Her tears flow uncontrolably now, as he looks a her, no longer a man, but a monster. Her eyes roll back as she passes out.  

ENOUGH

He snaps back to himself and drops her to the ground.  He leans down to her, she is still breathing, thats good news he thinks.  He checks her pulse, there is one, thank gods.  He leaves her and walks over to a cubbard near the door.  He opens it and finds it full to the brim with bandages, they know what he needs. This isn't the first time he's been here.  He bandages all of his wounds and gets dresses.  He walks out to the front desk, he can hear her sobbing as he leaves the room, poor girl.  He doesn't like the head mistress giving him the new girls.  But he figures business is business, and rookies are more disposable than veterans.  He goes to the front desk and writes two checks.  The first is for services rendered, with a few hundred more for the damage to the chains. The second is for the girl, he tips her double what he paid for the services of the head mistress. She'll need every penny.

"Is she still alive," the head mistress finally asks.

He nods as he walks toward the front door.  He stops, looks back to the room he came from and thinks, Poor Girl.  She'll probably quit tomorrow, they always do.  He wished he had some sweet words to say to them, but he figured HE would be the last person they would want to see.  Again, poor girls.  He shruggs off the thought, after all, this is what he pays for. But still, tears run down his face as he walked to his car. 

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
10:25 pm - Good times
Jobs been going good (how bad could working for the porn industry be).  The questions that i get from the clients are relatively simple,  a lot of "I know nothing about computers or how anything is set up even though you probably just explained it to me" questions.  I'm glad that i deal with these people via the ticket system and not on the phone b/c that would just get ugly.  Believe it or not there are a few downsides, one of which i can ignore, the other, not so much.  First, when i say i deal with all kinds of porn, i mean it, meaning, i see porn in all its forms, gay, tranny, fetish of all varieties, most of which are rarely good or even remotely erotic.  The other problem, one which i have a hard time ignoring is that, after a day of, fixing porn sites and looking at porn, i come home rather....anxious (what a fucking horrible time to not have a girlfriend).  I have a feeling that it'll all pass after a while of working there, just have to stick it out. 

Outside of work, i went to AnimeNext this past weekend.  Went there on friday night after work and found myself in a room already trashed (no surprise there).  Oddly enough, that night i was stricken with a slight case of Insomnia, no reason, but spent the night with my friend, who had a good reason to stay up, she was sewing, just talking and BSing.  Somewhere in there i got an hour of exhaustion enduced sleep.   Having barely slept through the night we, as a group,  went to have breakfast, free breakfast by the way,  and then went and got ready for the convention.  I myself had only one costume i really wanted to wear, Kenpachi, a most awesome costume, outside of the fact that it looked good, it was really comfortable.  Armed with my sword, outfit, but mainly my freakish hair, i went to the Con.  Not a bad time, tho not much was going on.   Bumped into a few people i knew from my last job, as well has one of my friends who i went to college with; we went to the School of communication together, he naturally asked where my "counter part" was and i had to fill him in on the ugly details of the breakup.  The afternoon went by relatively slowly, as i said, there was not much of interest at this particular con, at least not for me.  But i did have something to look forward so, my friends and i were honored the pleasure of hosting the "half-time" show at the Cosplay Masqurade.   In our typical fashion, we came up with what we were going to do about 5 min before we had to go on stage (WOW what a shocker).  I was first to enter the stage, and between stroking my.....ego, and seeing how far i could take it i proceeded to try to control the volume of the audience, something you would expect from rockstars or comedians, not depraved lunatics like myself.  Either way, we proceeded with our opening number, it didnt seem to go too bad, considering my limited if not non-existent improvisational/acting skills.  We then did a convention typical convention quiz show, which was kool then we went off stage.  After that we all went to Cheeseburger paradise, an AnimeNext tradition and then back to bed, this time i actually slept.  The following day was kinda minimal, went to the dealers room in regular clothing, i didnt buy anything the previous day b/c between the absence of my glasses and walking around with and eyepatch i found i was pretty much useless.  So i took this opertunity to finally go and make an effective run in the dealers room, which to my surprise and pleasure i found a 12" Guts figure.  So i got that and two Hentai DVDs (THEY ARE FOR COMPANY RESEARCH YOU BASTARDS)  After that, i hung around for a little then headed home to begin the work week once again.

Sure work may be tedious at time, even if its porn, but its certainly better than being unemployeed.

*Smooch* Good Night Everybody

current mood: cheerful

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Monday, July 2nd, 2007
10:00 pm - my first day of work...ing with porn
As some of you may, or may not know, today was my first day at work.  It's nice being employed once again.  Course there's this small little point about the primary clientele.  The primary clientele being the adult entertainment industry.  Just think, all the things that in any other place would consider "not safe for work", in this place turns out to be not only safe, but fucking encouraged.   Just picture this, there i am, setting up my computer with one co-worker on my one side checking to make sure "camel toe ho" is working correctly, and my other co-worker setting up a site intitled "X gets raped" (where x equals the first coworkers name) as an example of the system for me.  So, i spent most my day learning the system, setting up my computer and reading documents.  Apparently, it was a really slow day, things were working correctly as it were.   So that was my day, and another one tomorrow. yay porn

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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
10:52 pm - yay for work, i think
as you would suspect, i have a job now, yay, working tech support for a web based sotfware development company.  good points, extreemly casual, it would seem that as long as i'm completely dressed, thats work attire for them, its litterally 10 minutes away from my house, and they all seem like really kool people in a growing company.  Down side, well, not really, as a matter of fact, i really cant see a down side with this, i'll be working vicariously with the porn industy, since that is our main client. (no i will not get passwords, freebees or anything "toy" related for any one......other than myself of course if something just so happens to cum come my way)  I start on monday, from 10 to 6, another good point, training on the system that they built. Sooooo.. wish me luck, i'll try not to giggle too much when i'm at work helping porn sites. :-D

current mood: ecstatic

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Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
5:29 pm - A few days update
Ok, so i've been a little laxed in my updates, partially due to that nothing really happened of interest in my life over the past few days, and partially due to the idea that i'm pretty sure not many people are listening to what i'm saying, no big deal, if i were in the position you all were in right now, i wouldnt want to listen to me either.  The past few days can be summed up to a few slightly obscure events. (brace yourselves, this may take a while)  First, over the past few days i've been hanging out with one of my friends who had a few days off, kinda nice that with her day's off she decided to spend it with me rather than doing something more interesting like oh say watching paint dry.  But we spend most of our time at the mall shopping, well she shopped and i just hung around.  I have to say the most fun i ever have is, believe it or not, when i go out with my female friends shopping.  I like this for two reasons, one if i do end up buying stuff, namely clothing, it is a very good idea to have a female present so that you come out looking at least half way decent, because, unless the girl really doesnt like you, she'll probably make you look good because i am positive most women cannot stand being near a guy who looks like a scumbag.  My second reason for going shopping with my female friends is that you have no idea how amusing it is to watch women shop.  Men need to appreciate this because i would choose going shopping over "Comedy Central".  Its insane how women, namely my friend who i went with, approach buying a purse, albeit a coach bag, the same way i would approach buying a house or a car or some other large investment.  It was surreal how my friend was calculating the amound of installments and priceing it would take to pay off this purchase.  She was yelling at me because i would not stop her, why would i when what she's doing is that much more entertaining.
    The second event that sums up the past few days is in regards to a job interview, which i have on monday.  Its a web based software development group in which i am applying for the software support position.  I have no problem with this, give me ten minutes to look at the program and i'll probably have most of it figured out.  Anyway it is for this company whos main program is used for administration and tracking of products and personel.  Sounds good.  So i'm looking on their website, doing a little recon so i dont look like a complete idiot when i go to the interview.  And the way it is stated is that the software is used for adult systems and other such industries. Being a curious fellow and at the same time completely dumb, i figure when they say adult its in relationship to medical systems, adult as opposed to pediatric, logical but completely wrong.  When i look to see who they're sponsers and clients are i find a whole list of web based porn systems.  OH JOY OF JOYS, the most sexually frustrated man you will ever meet is going on an interview for a company whos primary client is the adult entertainment industry.  I have to say, i'm more afraid of getting this job than not getting this job.  you all will no soon enough, since, if i get the job you will be able to hear me scream "FUCK" from the other side of the country. 
    And on to the last event that summed up my past few days.  I went to a party yesterday, a friends parents were out of town so now was as good a time as any.  I came with my own booze and naturally drank most of it.  so, being a little more than tippsy i begin to hang on these two girls who are playing beer pong with a few of my other friends.  Neither of the girls i could get with, i know this, but with being inebriated it really didnt matter.  Nothing really happend that caused any problems, least not to my knowledge, i'm just afraid that i'll get a call later about what i did and how weird it was. 

So that was my week so far. think what you will of it, theres still one more day left in the week, i'm sore from the dojo and the gym so hopefully i wont do anything too bad.

see you next coffee break

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Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
12:15 am - A day at the beach, more like an afternoon
The day started out like any other, woke up, took care of the puppy, my morning rituals and the like.  Then i went to my old place of business, Michaels, looking for a job.  Unfortunately, the only position that the store manager said they had was in the cash office, which i can do, but it required a commitment for something like the next year whether i have another job or not, which i cant do. (sorry lady but i like having a life, even if you dont)  I have a feeling that if the store was run by another person, one of the old store managers, or someone who met me, they would probably have taken me back, kicked out one of the other people working there and have me do what they were doing.  Not trying to toot my own horn but just to give an example of how me pulling my weight tends to impress most management.  So i left there, deciding not to follow through on that prospect, i figure with a commitment like she's asking for i might as well get a real job.  I went to a few other places, visited a friend at Wegmans, and then returned home.  Called up a few friends who wanted to come down and go to Pt. Pleasant beach, barely a half hour from my house.  So they got here by around 2:30 and we were on our way, got to the beach at round 3:00.  They all went in the water, i didnt dress in water friendly attire, i was not planning on going in.  I stayed on the beach, read a little, wrote a little, but above all admired the scenery. (Ladys taking the twins for a walk, nothing on this earth can replicate this event)  Not sure how i felt about the whole experience, though i was spitting out the phrase, "Come to Kenpachi", about every five minutes, there was something sublimely depressing about the entire experience.  Between the feeling that i would never be able to be with (be with = talk to, hang out with, have a relationship with, etc, etc) and the fact that in my past my asking anyone out has never and i do mean never ever worked in my lifetime.  It just doesn't, all the women i've dated asked me out, whenever i ask someone out it goes to utter shit, and i dont think it has anything to do with my inability to talk to women, i do it all the time, just some unseen factor seems to just fuck it all up.  So i am left to wait for the bravest of them all to come up to me and say "hi".  Oddly enough this reminds me of an observation i made to my best friend, in regarding such a topic.  He was told by someone else when he asked them why women dont come up and talk to him, or even i, that he and i look rather intimidating just in stance alone, we have are arms folded and i guess have the air of a person that really shouldn't be screwed with.  My comment after that was, "Ya know, hanging out at gay bars probably doesnt help either"  But my lesbian friend assures me that a lot of straight women hang out at gay bars, probably for the same reason i do, i cant stand straight bars.  I digress.  So we were at the beach, and after getting something to eat my friends and i went back in to the water(now that i look back, that probably wasn't the best of ideas considering cramps after a meal)  My original intention was to just get my feet wet, which doesnt quite work when you have waves.  I got a little closer than expected, a wave hit, and my shorts were soaked from half way down.  "Well, i might as well go completely in now"  We swam around for a bit, i decided in my infinite wisdom to let myself flow with the rip tide, cuz i remember how much fun it was to be thrashed about, slammed down and dragged across the sea bed which has sand and broken sea shells.(note the sarcasim)  As you would expect, i ended up with a nasty scrape on the right side of my back, it hit the tattoo (mother fucker) but didn't seem to do much if any damage (::whew::)  After we got out of the water, we played a round of mini golf, while our pants dried.  After that, we headed in the direction of home with plans of getting dinner on the way.  We did so at Chili's and then went back to my place where my friends headed in the direction of their home.  After a quick shower to rinse off the sand and salt, i went out to the diner to meet up with my best friend.  We had coffee and conversation, a normal occurance with us.  He let me know about the wonderful workout at the Dojo that i missed, so fun of a work out, i'm glad i did miss it (again, not the sarcasim)  After about an hour, we were both showing signs of exhaustion, so we called it a night, which i am about to do so now.

Good night all
See you next coffee break

current mood: exhausted

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Sunday, June 17th, 2007
3:56 pm - So tired
Ok, so i haven't posted since thursday night, so i have some catchin up to do, bear with me i'm probably missing something.  Friday was pretty basic, went to the gym came home sat around for far too long, eventually i met up with my friends.  Friday evenings festivities were for my friends birthday which happened earlier in the week, what better way to celebrate than to get smashed at the Gay bar. (ginny get your shots in right now because i know i wont hear the end if this later)  The mood was alright before going to the bar until i, of course, had to make the observation that the last time i went there i was with my ex.  That soured my mood substantially, but for my friends sakes, i just kept on going and ignored the whole thought.  The gay bar, as usual, was a lot of fun, and my alcohol tollerance was, oddly enough, at an all time high.  I had somewhere around 6 drinks through the course of probably 3 hours, 3 of which were shots, most of my friends drank an equivilant amount, and were smashed while i was probably still able to walk the proverbial line in the road.  Confused as i may have been, i just keep going, hanging out with friends and the like.  I have to say there is nothing more amusing to me than watching a group of straight men, awkwardly gather near one corner of a room, in a gay bar, and try to avoid makeing eye contact with all the half naked men walking around and on the television screens.  So ended my friday night, i came home at around 3 so i was pretty beat, but my fatherly responsibilities toward my dog forced me to wake up at 9, so i got some sleep.  Saturday was a nice time as well, this day was a celebration for my best friends birthday, also occuring earlier in the week, but this time it was a BBQ.  Like a typical BBQ, friends came, we ate, we drank, and basically goofed around. Toward the evening we hung out with my other friend who my best friend seems to be taking a fancy to, and vice versa.  We ended up hanging out with her at her place, played the Wii and watched "V for Vendetta" (great movie by the way)  With all the sexual inuendos going back and forth it was hard for me not to look at both of them and say "for fucks sake just fuck and get over with it"  Well, that evening is over and now its fathers day.

Enjoy the day all,

I will post later

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Friday, June 15th, 2007
12:55 am - as to be expected
The day started with a trip down the road to the mechanic, car needed an oil change and a look over.  Sounded good at the time until i realized i had no car to get me to the gym, damn it.  Eh, another day of recovery would be good for me.  My friend calls, its his birthday, says he wants to go out to lunch, i'm down for that, so he picks me up (since i have no car) and we head on our way.  We run a quick errand and then decide that we want hibachi at Arrirang (awesome hibachi place) only to discover that they dont open untill 4:30, its about 1pm right now, ah well, lets head down the road and see what we come across.  AVAST ME HARTEYS LOOK, a Ruby Tuesdays over yonder.  So we go there, not because we thought it was a good idea, but that we were hungry and that was the first place that we came across that peeked our interest.  So we ate, had a few drinks, had conversation and left.  We then proceeded to walk around the nearby Lowe's for a spell (the drinks were really well made and neither of us was fit to drive)  After fulfilling our "Typical Male" roles for the year by checking out power tools and the like, we eased on down the road, stopped by Best Buy, got a few things (a Wii game and the first volume of animaniacs) and then proceeded back to my place.  He dropped me off and i went inside to relax for a bit before i went to the dojo.  My friend decided he was not going to go, so it would just be me and whoever showed up tonight.  An interesting workout, the main focus of which was learning how to roll with punches.  A great idea but the practicing of this technique was like a page out of the Three Stooges hand book.  To practice this idea, we would stand close quarter and throw slaps at each other and we would then roll with the slaps to lessen the impact.  Once again, effective training but you might have called us all Curley.  Afterward i left and called to see what my friend was doing, when i called, my other friend picked up, whom he was hanging out with (hmm, wasn't she supposed to get out at 9, why is she hanging out with him at 8:30?... hmmm)  So i meet up with them and hang out with them at Barnes and nobel, each of us were reading whatever book caught our fancy until the store decided to kick us out.  As one would expect, i notice there was something a little more between them going on than there was before.  We drop her off and he and i decide to go get a drink at applebee's where he stated that something seemed to be sparking between him and her (no shit sherlock).  Good for him, he needs a girl like her, she knows what she wants and will do what she needs to get it, they attract each other physically and mentally, good for them, now if i can only produce the same effect, and at that point, with that thought, i needed a beer.  I dont want to stay on this topic for too long because it just aggrevates me enough as it is, but i feel really bad for the woman who truly is my perfect match.  With all the things happening in my life i have only hardend that shell around my heart, she would need a stack of TNT to be able to break through, thats only after she is able to swing the sledge hammer to the side of my head because it would take that in order for me to notice that this woman is interested in me.  And as quickly as i'm on that subject, i would like to be off it.  anyway, the remainder of the night went pretty standard, had another beer, met up with another friend, said our happy birthdays to the birthday boy, at 12 we gave him his UNbirthday toast and then we left.  Which leads me to here on my computer with my feeble attempts at humor.

Untill our next cofee break.

Good luck all

current mood: blah

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Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
11:55 pm - the daily
So after i went to sleep after posting that humorous dream (for those who dont understand, see previous entry) i woke at around 9 to find that my legs have detached from my body and are standing at the edge of my bed with picket signs saying "hell no we wont go".  Which made me realize that i was not going to go to either the gym or the dojo at all today, i'll take the time to let my legs recover.  so after my morning ritual of showering and the like, i talked to my friend from when i worked at michaels and made plans to hang out later in the afternoon.  In the mean time i went and did my coffee ritual, a ritual i've been trying to keep up as much as possible.  This ritual entails i go to some coffee place, usually the dunkin donuts near my house, purchase a large iced coffee and, while sipping the coffee, i would read a book and write in my journal(the physical one).  I would do this untill i would finish my coffee, which could take upwards of 3 hours, which has happened before, this time it was only about an hour and a half, got some good writting in.  After that, i met up with my friend and we hung out for the remainder of the night, we started in barnes and nobel, an interesting endeavor considering she wanted me to pick out a book for her.  Note to self, a woman who reads cosmo religiously would probably not be interested in the new Al Gore book on the current state of pollitics.  To tell you the truth, it was kinda amusing trying to help her find a book, "how about this one", "that cover is not pretty", "how about this". "eww, thats not a good cover", i'm suddenly reminded of the book and the cover statement and i dont know why. Any way, we had made plans to meet up with some friends for dinner at 6, it is now 4 so we have some time, so we proceed to the mall across the street.  Ladies, you would love me because i am one of those few male that actually enjoy going shopping with women, partially because if i am looking to buy some clothing, i want a woman to be there so i know i look good, and partially because it is highly amusing the way a woman approaches buying a "Coach" bag with the same planning and tennacity that i would have if i were say buyng a house. Either way, we had a blast and then found ourselves at the near by Fridays for dinner. A typical dinner, full of food and conversation, the only interesting part was that her friend, who is gay, wanted to meet me, to make sure i wasnt an asshole (interesting that i have to go through a screening process for her) but was more concerned about me being comfortable around him.  With that i was more than willing to give him a big'ol kiss on the cheek, or lips depending on how daring i am, just to freak him out. (this certainly would not be the first time i have freaked out a gay man, i've made it somehwhat of a talent).  After that, we went to a few other placesand then, finding ourselves back at Barnes and Nobel, met up with my best friend who we hung out for a while.  A fun time for all but it was probably not a good thing that every other sentence was a sexual reference and/or inuendo.  After departing, i came home to read a responce to a  "would you have sex with me" form that i set up on myspace, and then responded to that person's reply with one of my own back at them.  As you may expect, i'm feeling kinda randy right now. I'm going to go deal with that and then go to bed. a little annoying that i dont have anyone here to help me deal with my "issue", eh C'est la vie

untill next coffee break

current mood: horny

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6:13 am - too good not to share
Ok, so i just woke up from a dream. (a rare occurcance for me to have a dream and you can probably guess that it was one by the early hour i'm writting this)  It begins with me going to work which is, to my delight, working with Adam from Mythbusters. The myth we're dealing with is how temperature changes may effect credit card use, mainly extreem heat and extreem cold.  Either way, i go away to perform some test on some test credit cards when (and this is where it becomes really sureal) i make a turn and go into an area where i know my recent ex is.  Being an oddly polite man, even in these darkest hours, i decide to pay her a visit.  Upon encountering her i find that above all else she has beard growth worse than what i've done in the past.  Coupled with that is the flanel shirt and almost grunge rock fangirl look.  So there she is with her goatee, flanel shrit and all around draby appearance, and yet she still talks to me in her prideful, knowitall fashion.  Now, i dont wish my ex or the man she's dating any ill will, i wish them the best of luck (just dont come around me with that "best of luck") but that entire image just made me wake up and have a good smile and snicker. 

I just felt i should share......and back to sleep

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
11:47 pm - ow ow ow ow ow
As you may suspect, i'm in a certain level of pain, in various location and intensities. So yesterday i went to the dojo, as would be expected and worked out my legs, mainly the hip and groin area, heavily.  In my infinite wisdom, i decided to go to the gym this morning to do some light cardio. (Mental note, my idea of light cardio is going on an eliptical machine for about an hour at a level 10 resistance, i'm not sure how high the resistance goes, but i cant imagine it going much higher) After i thoroughly destroyed my legs, for the second time in a little over 12 hours, i proceeded home for a nice shower.  This is where the second pain comes into play.  I've been, recently, using a new facial cleanser, one of the "warming" facial scrubs. For those of you who have used this stuff, you know where i'm comming from, for those of you who have not, you may want to pay attention.  Erotic as the term, "warming sensation" may be to most of us, "warming" is not what it does, and "sensation" is a gross understatement of what you feel.  I am not sure what these pharmacist think they're doing when they create this stuff, but i assure you that it is not necessary to create a chemical reaction that would allow this facial paste to be able to boil a cup of water by merely dropping a good drop of it into a cup of ice water.  Needless to say, my face burns for an instance when i use the stuff, i am in shock every time i exit the shower and never do i see third degree chemical burns on my face.  (I use the stuff on other parts of my body because lets face it there are other parts that carry blemishes, i have no idea why i'm compelled to tell you these things but at least i'm not doing so outside the parentheticals)  After that, it was a relatively nice day, i went and had lunch at a Hibachi resturant for my friends birthday, got to see some people i dont normally see.  We then went back to her place to entertain ourselves with her newly aquired Wii. Upon leaving her house, i proceeded to my old job at Michaels to see if they had any hours they could give considering i'm running on a negative income.  After talking with my old manager, i proceeded home to stay there long enough to: change into my dojo attire, have a Slimfast, watch CNN for a moment and become completely inerervated about the state in which our world is in. (i was very glad i was heading to the dojo to kick something in the head, if it were only Dubyah)  Within the CNN news was a report about how not only, low level, low skill jobs are being outsourced overseas, but also high level high skilled jobs.  Its certainly making me wonder why i even bothered getting a technical degree, but anyway.  With that news i began to greatly consider the alternative of becoming a manager at Michaels, sure not the most glamorous of careers, but certainly good on job security, considering they will always need a store/assistant manager, the pay is not that bad, and i would be doing something that well i pretty much know like the back of my hand. (::looks at back of hand:: huh, thats new..... oh come on, you should have seen that one comming)  Again, with the sad state our world is in, at least a job like that would provide a certain level of normality, sure some of the employees and most of the customers were idiots, but they had an excuse... they're idiots.  At the last place i worked, i was dealing with supposedly educated individuals, and they were still idiots, there were many times i looked at my job there and said, "Well, Michaels isnt so bad by comparrison"  Again, with that, more pain, and off i go to the dojo.  The workout this day was intense, coupled with the previous nights workout, i think my legs are about to just throw in the towel and flip me the bird.  After the dojo, my friend and i decided it would be a good idea if we, GASP, made our own food.  Jot this one down, because this recipe was amazing.  We essentally, took a loaf of bread, cutt t in half down the middle, then sliced it down the middle so we would have sandwich halfs.  Spread on a nice pesto sauce, add turkey, cheese (provolone worked here), put in an oven to toast, add a few seasonings, lettuce, tomato, and your done. Quiznos inspired, but for the most part we thought of it ourselves. After the meal you would imagine that i would have hobbled my way home to deal with the dog and write about this to you faithful few who are tollerent enough to read this crap.  And with that i leave you,

until our next coffee break.

current mood: in pain

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12:09 am - A typical day
As you would expect from the subject line, this was a typical day, at least as it stand right now.  Woke up, took care of the puppy, and eventually found myself at the gym (i can sense the shock in all of you).  Haven't been there in a few days, my foot wasn't feeling 100%, i figure give it time before i decide to go to the gym and do something worse to it.  There it was the typical work out, an hour on the cardio, and then about 20-30 min lifting weights, then im outta there.  Got home around 12 and proceeded to veg out, for the most part untill i got a call from a HR woman from a potential job stating that i didn't complete the programmer aptitude test, slightly annoying and slightly concerning that she called me on such an issue, it sounded like she really wanted me to complete the test for some reason. (I didn't think my Resume was that impressive)  Either way, it filled some time in my afternoon.  Eventually it was 7:30 at night and i found myself where you can normally find me at 7:30 on a weekday these days, the Taekwondo Dojo.  There we proceeded to work on our arcing kicks, ya know the ones where you start at the bottom, swing your leg outward and over and eventually returning back to the begining position (the idea of which is that you are able to strike an opponents shoulder with your heel)  From and outside observer, this seems quite impressive, but my hips assure you it is not impressive, its down right fucking painfull, I can only imagine what my hips have to say to me tomorrow morning when i want to go to the gym for my morning cardio.  After the dojo, i found myself hanging out wtih a couple of friends, and this is where my "typical" day takes a turn for the worse.  Three of the people i'm hanging out wiith, i know, the fourth is a newcommer, at least in my eyes.  Oddly enough, i looked at this newcommer the same way i looked at George W. Bush when i first saw him, in that, before my brain was able to fully process the image it was registering, my eyes basically said, and i'm paraphasing at best, "This guy just looks like an idiot".   Being a somewhat nice and polite man, i decide to give him the benifit of the doubt only to realize that my first conclusion was warrented. (and that was only after two sentences uttered by him).  We then found ourselves sipping coffee at the local diner, looking back, i think i would have done better with Tequillia, hell rat poison would have been a better choice of beverage at that point.  Digest this mental concept will you,  go back to when you were young and that faithful day in which you probably just inhaled an entire ice cream cone and the resulting sensation that it blessed you with.  Well, that was what it felt like to be in this mans presence, thank the gods the night was almost over. As you would expect, eventually the night ended and i found myself home writting this entry. And to that, we part.

Untill our next coffee break.

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Monday, June 11th, 2007
12:10 am - Might as well start the habit
So i decided, partly voluntary but mostly because i had no where to go, I spent the entire day in house.  Woke up 2 hours past when i wanted to, i usually wake up at around 9 to walk and feed the puppy, felt kinda bad that i didn't keep my end of the bargain up.  After that it was a day of sitting in various laze inducing equipment. Watched a lot of TV, which i try not to do but i stuck to the Discovery channel mainly, its at least some form of intelligent engagement, news innervates me to no extent, and any other form of "entertainment" will usually lead me to either a nervous breakdown or an aneurysm.  I eventually found myself in one of my more favored positions as of late, on my bed, book in hand, laptop to one side, journal to the other, and the puppy at my feet (she obviously feels i dont keep myself clean enough considering she keeps licking my feet, if i could only get females of my own species to do the same, then i would be in business).  so i ended my night with a good amount of reading, specifically Henry Rollins, and a couple new additions to psychotic tomb of doom which i call my journal (my physical journal).  And now i end my night here. i feel i should leave you with some feeble attempt on my part at poetry, dont ask me why i feel that, but my tired mind cant think of anything witty, entertaining, or not disturbing( gods know i dont need my friends calling the psych ward and using my journal as reference to why i should be locked up).

So good evening you brave souls who take time to read my insanity. Untill my next coffee break(its an inside joke, just run with it)

current mood: eh

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Sunday, June 10th, 2007
3:11 pm - ..... And I'm back
No applause, just throw money :-)

I'm going to try and start updating this journal as best i can, bear with whatever may come, i'll probably send out journal entries, poems, thoughts, maybe even some comics if i can find the time to write draw and the like.  Given that i have no job and no girlfriend, i seem to have a good amount of time on my hands. 

As for what has happened recently, i've had a recent breakup with a girl that turned into a very ugly event, details asside, i feel i would live a much more happy and productive life having never seen her again. I graduated last year with a BA in Information technology, had a job working with a marketing company which resulted in more stress than i ever thought possible for one person to go through. And thats probably the readers digest condensed folded version of my life over the past 2 - 3 years.

so to all i haven't talked to in a while, i'm sorry and i'm going to try to get back in touch, for my friends who i do see, get ready for some wierd stuff. feel free to have people look to my directon for amusement and entertainment. 

enjoy my insanity :-)

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Friday, February 25th, 2005
11:09 pm - stuffage
ya know things are gettin pretty bad when your own mother says that your a "glutton for punishment".. looking back at it .. yes.. yes i am... its annoying how no matter what i do ill sacrifice my self so that others are happy.. is this wrong.. is this not the way to live a life?.. im always in a position where im in the place i fear the most outta anything in the world.. in my house.. alone.. no one around.. granted i just came back from hanging out with friends at the anime club.. but still.. it was a looming idea during the car ride home.. knowing that i would come home to an empty house.. parents went away till tomorrow.. took the dog with them.. theres no one in the house.. is this my doing? is this a punishment?.. i just dont get it.. no matter what.. i always end up here.. my biggest fear is being alone.. yet i always end up that way.. alone.. curled up in my bed.. barely even a neighbor.. they're like 500 feet away.. but still.. my loneliness is my own doing.. i chose this way so that others will have a good time.. am i wrong?.. but still.. is it right .. to get into a relationship of any nature.. just because you dont wanna be alone.. is that fair to the other person?.. is so cold.. i dont know what i ask of ppl.. i probably shouldnt ask anything of ppl.. is not right.. its not fair.. but is it fair to me.. is that itself.. a selfish thought.. to just want to be held by someone.. to be able to have all ones fears melt away.. is that fair.. is it like im using someone?.. still hung up on her i see.. kinda pathetic isnt it.. to cling to someone just so you wont be alone.. im so torn.. wonder how things would have been if i did make that choice .. so long ago.. i didnt want to be here.. at times i still dont.. i wanted to leave.. just walk to wherever.. and never look back.. but.. i did look back.. i stayed.. to make sure ppl were safe.. and happy.. i could have easily been happy on the road.. goin wherever the hell i felt like.. doing whatever i wanted.. the last selfish though i had.. snuffed out by my sense of honor.. or was it the last selfish though.. thought like that haunt me constantly.. i feel i need to justify my being here every morning when i wake up.. am i wrong?.. is what i say sane.. what defines sane?.. a set of rules specified so that when one deviates from that norm.. they are classified insane.. huh.. why do i feel i am so wrong.. is it cuz what i do is completely different from what everyone else does.. or just.. everyone ive met.. i dont wanna make new friends.. i just wanna see my old friends.. my good friends.. but they have lives too.. i cant just hog all their time.. im not that important.. huh.. well my insecurities again show their face.. not anything new tho.. i should probably stop.. i dont need to bore, annoy, and/or worry people..

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Saturday, January 15th, 2005
11:40 pm - see the halo?
just a little while ago i was hanging out with a friend. we were talking and he eventually refered to me something i never thought i would be refered to as.. a saint.. now.. personally i dont believe it but i doubt the real saint's would have refered to themselves as such anyway.. either way im actually quite honored to be called that.. dont worry everyone.. ill try not to let it go to my head..

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
9:37 pm - i play my music loud so i dont hear the screams
an over all blah day.. got up helped my mom get rid of my old car.. thankfully .. it was killing our insurance.. went to lunch at olive garden.. came back.. and i proceded to go to work.. when getting there.. i was asked to do stock work.. not bad.. kinda miss it while i was working the cash office.. one problem.. i was filling in the valentines day grid.. like my lifes not depressing enough.. so i basically tried ignoreing all the fluttery hearts and the i love you's and the like.. one of the last things i put out was these little mail boxes.. i guess use for elementary school kids for the whole class valentines day thing.. sigh.. more memories i didnt need to be reminded of.. you all probably know the deal.. the whole class showes up with their cards and such and deals them out to everyone.. usually one is made for everyone just to be fair.. and afterward the subsequent giggleing and pointing often made my ears bleed even then.. at least thats what happened to most people.. however.. my case was a bit different.. instead of the subsequent giggles and finger pointing of boy's saying "ooooo... she likes you hehehehehe" or for the reversed side from the girl's .. "oooo he likes you heheheheheheh".. and just all around jovial kids stuff..to my dismay what usually happend with me was the collective girls would go to the one who gave me a valentine and wonder "y did you give him one".. with the responce of " i gave everone one.. just to be fair".. ahh sympathy.. cant get too much of that now can we.. maybe im exagerating this.. maybe im making a mountain outta a molehill.. its just when i look at the day of valentines day.. you either think its great or are completely disguested by it.. a day to either give thanks to what you do have.. or to be reminded of what you dont have.. and i probably have no room to complain.. cuz im sure there are ppl worse of than me.. im probably just being selfish .. but even those small things have always affected me.. they just build up .. cuz they always happen.. not once in a blue.. but constantly.. im sure all of you are just sick of hearing this.. i admit.. it is kinda annoying to hear my own thoughts like this.. but what other choice do i have.. ive exploded once too many times already.. thankfully few times were around anyone.. im seeing her tommorow.. what will i do what will i say.. nothing.. i cant say anything.. i cant do anything.. she and i are not together.. and i have to get that throught my thick fucking skull.. so many things to say.. but they would be inappropriate.. i love and respect her too much to do something that stupid.. i keep rolling what i said a long time ago.. but its so hard.. id rather have her happy and as my friend than be miserable and as my GF.. i have to stick to that like iron.. if i dont what good am i.. the "so close yet so far away" rings entirely too true.. she needs her space.. she needs to get her life in order.. even if im not supposed to be there.. i wont be the one who holds her back.. i cant be.. i should just enjoy her company.. thats what i must do.. her beautiful company.. heh.. im such and idiot.. to think i could be with her.. im such a fool.. why did i ever think that it could work.. beautiful.. intelegent.. fun loving.. i dont deserve that.. yet.. i desire that.. and thats my crime.. i wish the screams would just stop.. whos are they.. mine.. others.. past pains .. or future sins.. am i forever damned.. or am i just thinking too much.. do i face my demons only to be consumed by them.. ignore me.. you all are probably sick and tired of hearing this..

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